Everything is Big

April 3, 2024

I have cancer. Or rather, I recently was declared in remission from cancer. A weird thing about remission is that it just means the doctors can't see any cancer in your body right now. It doesn't mean there is none. There could be cancer they don't see. And it also doesn't mean it won't come back (that's relapse). A Schrodinger's Cat of cancer status, if you will.

One thing about being in remission, at least for my type and staging of cancer, is that it is hard not to look at everything through the lens of cancer. More specifically, if my cancer comes back, it well might kill me. So maybe I should look at whatever it is I'm doing as the last time I'll get the chance to do it.

But, I can tell you, that's...a lot.

Lunch with friends? Concert of a favorite band? Something you've never done? Something you maybe shouldn't do. Something you want to do. Sure, people say we should live our lives like they might end tomorrow, but is that even feasible? Whether it's going to a restaurant or saying your good-byes, looking at things like they are the last time makes the mundane a mountain. It's too much.

Are you honoring and respecting your life and those in it by not giving things some weight? Are you really present to not acknowledge reality? No one wants regrets.

For me, its been more of the former. It does create a lot of weight but I try to process some of the "last time" weight internally, with my wife, or with my therapist rather than externally through the people and events I experience. I never know whether I'm giving it the right balance. Sometimes it feels right, sometimes it doesn't. And when it doesn't, I try to practice acceptance. That if I act with purpose, that the time and space I give for something is the right amount.

And I'm still practicing.